Miimmimu 


DarkeyWoodDealer. 


<^ 


DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  Poblishers, 
NEW  YORK. 


PLAYS  FOR  FEMALE  CHARACTERS  ONLY  I 

J  J5  CENTS  EACH 

CRANFOBD  DAMES.    2  Scenes;  1>^  hours 8 

GERTRUDE  MASON,  M.D.     1  Act;  30  minutes 7 

CHEERFUL.  COMPANION.    1  Act;  25  minutes 2 

LESSON  IN  ELEGANCE.    1  Act;  30  minutes 4 

MAIDENS  ALL  FORLORN.    3  Acts;  1J4  hours 6 

MURDER  WILL  OUT.    1  Act;  30  minutes 6 

ROMANCE  OF  PHTLLIS.    8  Acts;  1J4  hours 4 

SOCIAL  ASPIRATIONS.    1  Act;  45  minutes 6 

OUTWITTED.     1  Act;  20  minutes 3 

WHITE  DOVE  OF  ONEIDA.    2  Acts;  45  minutes 4 

SWEET  FAMILY.    lAct;lhour 8 

BELLES  OF  BLACKVILLE.    lAct;2hour8 30 

PRINCESS  KIKU.    (25  cents) 13 

RAINBOW  KIMONA.    (85  cents.)    2  Acts;  IJi  hours 9 

MERRY  OLD  MAIDS.    (25  cents.)    Motion  Song 11 

PLAYS  FOR  MALE  CHARACTERS  ONLY 

J5  CENTS  EACH 

x 

APRIL  FOOLS.    1  Act;  30  minutes 8 

BYRD  AND  HURD.    1  Act;  40  minutes 6 

DARKEY  W^OOD  DEALER.    1  Act;  20  minutes 8 

W^ANTED,  A  MAHATMA.    1  Act;  80  minutes 4 

HOLY  TERROR.    1  Act;  30  minutes 4 

MANAGER'S  TRIALS.     lAct;lhour 9 

MEDICA.    1  Act;  35  minutes 7 

NIGGER  NIGHT  SCHOOL.    1  Act;  30  minutes 6 

SLIM  JIM  AND  THE  HOODOO.    1  Act;  30  minutes 6 

WANTED.  A  CONFIDENTtAL  CLERK.    1  Act;  30  minutes    6 

SNOBSON'S  STAG  PARTY.;  1  Act;  1  hour 12 

PICKLES  AND  TICKLES.    1  Act;  20  minutes 6 

HARVEST  STORM.    1  Act;  40  minutes 10 

CASE  OF  HERR  BAR  ROOMSKI.    Mocli  Trial;  2 hours....  28 

DARKEY  BREACH   OF  PROMISE  CASE.    Mock  Trial.  22 

GREAT  LIBEL  CASE.    Mock  Trial;  1  Scene;  2  hours 21 

RIDING  THE  GOAT.    Burlesque  Initiation;  1  Scene;  IJ^  hours  24 

DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  Publishers,  18  Ann  Street,  N.  Y. 


THE  DARKEY 

WOOD  DEALER 


A  FARCE  m  ONE  ACT 
CHARLES  TOWNSEND     >^^  ' 

Author  of    "BORDER     LAND,"     "THE   WOVEN     WEB,"    "RIO     GRANDE,"    "SUB    ROSA,* 
"  EARLY  VOWS,"  "  ONLY  A  TRAMP,"    "  DECBl'TION,"   "  ON  GUARD,"  "  WON- 
DERFUL LETTER,"  ETC. 


Author's  Edition,  with  the  Cast  of  the  Characters,  Time 
OF    Representation,   Scene  and  Property  Plots,  Dia- 
gram OF  the  Stage  Setting,  Description  of  the 
Costumes,  Sides  of  Entrance  and  Exit,  Rela- 
tive Positions  of  the  Performers,  Explana- 
tion OF  THE  Stage  Directions,  etc.,  and 
ALL  of  the  Stage  Business. 

Copyright,  iSgo,  by  Harold  Roorbach 


NEW  YORK 

DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  Publishers 

1 8  Ann  Street 


Digitized  by  tine.  Internet  Arciiive 

in  2007  witii  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


littp://www.arcli  ive.org/details/darkeywooddealerOOtowniala 


THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Mr;.  ClevaNDALL      {a  darkey  wood  dealer) 

^  _->  f «    hen-pecked   husband  ) 

Deacon  Decker    |  ^  .^^  ^  ^^^^^^  .  | 

Mrs.  Decker 


r  a  lady  with  a  strong  will  \ 
\   and  stronger  arm  J 

Time  of  Playing — Twenty  Minutes. 


Hermon  Opera  House 

Hermon,  N.   V., 

August  77,    /88ip. 

Mr.  Charles  Townsend, 

Mr.  John  Given. 
Mr.  H,  A.  Stokes. 


SCENERY. 


Corridor  Backmg 


-<Door  ' 

Chat  9 


Table 


Chutr 


Cbnir 


Scene.  Nicely  furnished  room  in  third  grooves.  Carpet  down.  Tabk, 
with  chair,  L.  C.     Chairs  R.  and  l.     Door  c.  in  flat. 

N.  B.  Set  scenery  is  not  essential,  and  may  be  dispensed  with  il 
preferred. 

COSTUMES. 

Clevandall. — Poorly  dressed.  Ragged  /.nen  duster,  split  up  the 
back.     Tattered  straw  hat     Black  woolly  wig.     Negro  "  make-up." 


4        THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER. 

Deacon  Decker. — Gray  hair  and  side  whiskers.  Old  fashioned  frock 
coat,  collar  and  necktie ;  white  vest ;  dark  1  rowsers.  This  is  an  eccentric 
old  man,  shrill  in  voice  and  shaky  in  walk.  Uses  large  cane,  and  "  sput- 
ters "  when  angry. 

Mrs.  Decker. — House  dress.  General  make-up  of  "  strong-minded  " 
woman, 

PROPERTIES. 

Newspaper.     Whip.     Very  large  revolver.     Walking  stick. 

STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 

In  observing,  the  performer  is  supposed  to  face  the  audience.  R.,  means 
right;  L.,  left;  c,  centre;  R.  c,  tight  of  centre;  L.  c,  left  of  centre;  D. 
F.,  door  in  the  flat  or  back  scene;  R.  F.,  right  side  of  the  flat;  L.  F.,  left 
side  of  the  flat;  R.  D.,  right  door;  L.  D.,  left  door;  l  E.,  first  entrance;  2 
E.,  second  entrance;  U.  E.,  upper  entrance;  i,  2  or  3  c,  first,  second  or 
third  grooves ;  UP  STAGE,  towards  the  back ;  down  stage,  towards  the 
footlights.  - 

R<  Iv>    C  C«  Lm    C<  La 


THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER. 


Scene. — Nicely  furnished  room  in  3d  grooves  ;  door  c.  in  F.     Carpet 
down;  table  with  spread  v..  c.  ;  chairs  R.  andi.. 

Discover  Deacon  asleep  in  chair,  r.     Mrs.    Decker    reading 
newspaper  at  table,  L.  c. 

Mrs.  Decker,  [looking up)  Deacon!  [he  snores)  T)ediCon\  [snore) 
Deacon  !  [loud  snore.  She  lays  down  paper  and  glares  at  him) 
Deacon  Deckerl  [snore.  She  approaches  and  screams  in  his  ear) 
Deacon  Deck — er — er! 

Deacon,  {^tumbles  over  backwatc(l)  Did — [rising) — did — did  you 
speak — my  love? 

Mrs.  D.  Did  I  speak?  Oh — h — h !  If  I  wasn't  a  woman  and 
the  wife  of  a  man 

Dea.  (l.)  C — c — could  yon  be  a  wife  and  not  be  a  woman,  my 
love? 

Mrs.  D.  (r.)  You  idiot! 

Dea.  Ye — ye — yes — my  love. 

Mrs.  D.  Hold  your  tongue  !     What  a  fool  I  was 

Dea.  Yes — my  love. 

Mrs.  D.  [screams)  Hold  your  tongue!  See  here  ;  there  are  a 
few  little  things  that  I  want  from  the  stores  to-day.  You  must  go 
after  them,  as  I  must  finish  my  essay  on  "  How  to  make  home 
happy." 

Dea.  Yes — my  love. 

Mrs.  D.  Very  well,  [rapidly)  1  want  a  paper  of  pins,  a  crochet 
needle,  a  ball  of  green  worsted,  two  spools  of  cotton  thread — one 
white,  number  60,  and  one  black,  number  50 — a  yard-and-a- 
quarter  of  white  Java  canvas,  a  pint  of  cod  liver  oil,  half  a  dozen 
ladies'  fine  pens  and  a  porous  plaster,  a  box  of  Rough  on  Rats  and 
some  anti-bilious  pills,  two  yards  of  gimp,  same  as  1  got  yesterday, 
a  box  of  baking  powder,  a  dozen  eggs  and  a  brown  veil,  two 
quires  of  writing  paper,  ten  pounds  of  coffee  sugar,  fifteen  yards 
of  sheeting,  some  postage  stamps  and  a  liver  pad.  (Deacon  col- 
lapses and  falls  into  chair)  There !     Do  you  hear  ? 

Dea.  [faintly)  Yes — my  love  ! 

Mrs.  D.  Start  along,  then.  And  if  you  make  one  single,  solitary 
mistake,  I'll  shake  the  daylight  nght  out  of  you.     Do  you  hear? 


6        THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER. 

Dea.  Yes — my  love. 

Clevandall.  (outside)  Whoa,  haw  gee  back!     Come  eroun'  dar! 
Whup! 
Mrs.  D.  Goodness!     What's  that?  [goes  L.) 

Enter,  Clevandall,  c.  d. 

Clevandall.  G'mawnin',  boss.  G'mawnin',  miss.  Wanter  buy 
any  wood  ter  day,  boss? 

Dea.  (r.)  No  sir! 

Clev.  (c.)  You  wanter  buy  any,  miss? 

Mrs.  D.  (l.)  No  sir! 

Clev.  All  right,  miss.     Mighty  good  wood,  boss. 

Dea.  Clear  out ! 

Clev.  Yesser.    Shore  you  don't  want  none,  miss  ? 

Mrs.  D,  I  told  you  once. 

Clev.  All  right,  miss.     Yo'  doesn't  want  any  needer,  boss? 

Dea.  {starting  towards  him)    Wiii  you  clear  out  ? 

Clev.  Cert'ly  boss,  cert'ly  !  Exit,  quickly,  C.  D. 

Dea.  (c.)  What  an  impudent*  nigger ! 

Mrs.  D.  (l.  C.)  Why  didn't  you  throw  him  out? 

Dea.  Ahem  !  Well — I  was  just  going  to,  my  love. 

Mrs.  D.  (scornfully)  Yes — you  were  ! 

Dea.  Well,  why  didn't^<?«  do  it,  my  love?  I — 1 — I'm  sure  that 
you're  the  best  man  of  the  two ! 

Mrs.  D.  [threatens)  Don't  you  dare  insult  me,  sir! 

Dea.     No — my  love.     I — I  think  I'll  go  down  street,  now. 

Mrs.  D.  Hold  on  a  minute.     What  did  I  tell  you  to  get  for  me  ? 

Dea.  (l.,  aside)  Oh,  lord! 

Mrs.  D.  Come  sir. 

Dea.  A  p — p — paper  of  pins 

Mrs.  D.  Well? 

Dea.  A — a — a —  [aside)  holy  smoke! 

Mrs.  D.  Well  ? 

Dea.  A — a  crochet  needle 

Mrs.  D.  Well  ? 

Dea.  [aside)  Oh,  lord  I  I  can't  remember  another  condemned 
thing ! 

Mrs.  D.    Well! 

Dea.  [desperately)  Fifty  spools  of  worsted — sixty  yards  of — of 
Rough  on  Rats — forty  dozen  anti-bilious  pills — a — a  quire  of  steel 
pens — a  barrel  of  cod  liver  oil— an' — an' — an'  ten  pounds  of— er — 
er — postage  stamps  ! 

Mrs.  D.  [backing  him  across  stage)  Idiot!  Stupid!  Silly!  Foolish 
fool ! 

Clev.  [outside)  Whoa,  haw*  gee,  back!  come  aroun'  dar! 
Whup  I 


THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER.  ^ 

Enter,  Clevandall,  C.  d. 

flev.  (c.)  G'mawnin',  boss.  G'mawnin',  miss.  Wanter  buy 
any  wood  ter  day,  boss? 

Dea.  (r.)  No,  sirl 

Clev.  D — d — does^(?«  wanter  buy  any  wood,  miss? 

Mrs.  D.  (l.)  Leave  the  room,  sir. 

Clev.  Yesser.     Pow'ful  good  wood,  boss 

Dea.   (screams)    Will— you — clear — out! 

Clev.  Oh,  yesser.     Shore ^ow  doesn't  want  none,  miss? 

Mrs.  D.  I'll  send  for  the  police  if  you  don't  go. 

Clev.  [at  door,   c.)     Tse    gwine.     G'day   boss.     G'day  Miss. 

Exit,  C.  D. 

Dea.  Did  you  ever ! 

Mrs.  D.  No  I  never  !  "^ 

Dea.  Well,  if  that  impudent  black  nigger  dares  to  come  around 
here  again,  I'll — whoop  ! — I'll  break  every  backbone  in  his  body. 
[struts  up  stage) 

Mrs.  D.  If  you  don't,  I'll  break  yours. 

Clev.  [outside)  Whoa,  haw  gee,  b^k  !  Come  aroun'  dar !  Gee, 
haw  back!     Come  aroun'  dar.     Whup  ! 

Mrs.  D.  There !     There  he  comes  again. 

Dea.  [pulling-  up  sleeves  and  brandishing  cane)  I'll  fix  him ! 

Enter,  Clevandall,  C.  d.,  whip  in  hand. 

Clev.  G'mawnin',  boss.  G'ma\Vnin',  miss.  Wa — wa — wanter 
buy  any  wood  ter  day,  boss  ? 

Dea.  (l.,  aside)  I'll  have  a  little  fun  with  him  first.  Look  here, 
[to  Clevandall)  what  kind  of  wood- have  you  got? 

Clev.  (c.)  Oh,  it's  good  wood. 

Dea.  Yes,  but  what  sort  ? 

Clev.  Oh — yesser.     It's — it's  sorter  sort. 

Dea.  Well,  but  what  class  is  it  ? 

Clev.   Fust  class  sah,  fust  class.     Does  yo'  wanter 

Mrs.  D.  [sits  R.)  What's  it  for,  stupid  ? 

Clev.  [indignantly)  No  mum,  'tain't  fo'  stupid  !  It's  fo'  fiah. 
[aside)  1  reckons  dat  a'  woman  hain't  got  good  sense. 

Dea.  I  mean,  what  classification  is  it? 

Clev.  [puzzled)  Class — classi — [scratches  head) — er — yesser, 
yesser — dat's  it ! 

Dea.  Good  lord  !  Are  you  a  fool  ? 

Clev.  Yesser.     Does  yo'  wanter  buy  any— — 

Mrs.  D.  What — kind — of — trees — is — your — wood— cut — from? 

Clev.  Why,  wooden  trees  ob  co'se.  [aside)  No,  sah  !  Dat  ar' 
woman  hain't  gotter  bit  o'  sense  !  •*'- 

Dea.  Is  it  beech,  or  ash,  or  oak  or  maple  ? 


8        THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER. 

Clev.  Co'se  it  is  !     Why  didn't  yo'  say  so  afore  ? 

Dea.  What  have  you  in  your  hand  ? 

Clev.  {^holding  whip  in  right  hand,  holds  up  left  hand)  Nuffin. 

Dea.  No — I  mean  in  your  other  hand. 

Clev.  {changes  whip,  holds  up  right  hand)  Nuffin. 

Dea.  [pointing to  whip)  What's  that  thing? 

Clev.  [holding  up  whip)  Dat  ?  Oh,  dat'smy  dissuader,  sah. 

Mrs.  D.  Your  what  ? 

Clev.  My  dissuader. 

Mrs.  D.  What's  it  for? 

Clev.  [aside)  Oh  me,  oh  luy  !  She  jes'  ain't  got  no  sense— no 
sense  'tall ! 

Dea.  Well,  what  is  it  for? 

Clev.  Dis?  Why,  it's  whut  I  dissuade  my  ole  mule  wiv  when  he 
wants  ter  strike  fo'  more  or.t^- 

Dea.  Let  me  see  it. 

Clev.  Yesser.  [gives  whip)  Does  yo'  wanter  buy  any  wood? 
(Deacon  lashes  him)  Wouch  !     Wah  !     Wha'  fo'  yo'  do  dat  fo'  ? 

Dea.  [up  C.)  Well  sir,  you've  been  bothering  me  with  your 
infernal  old  wood ^^ 

Clev.  Does  yo'  wanter  buy  some  ? 

Dea.  What's  your  name  ? 

Clev.  None  o'  yo*  business  •! 

Dea.  What's  your  name  ?  \/ai^^5  him) 

Clev.  Ouch !     Clevandall. 

Dea.  Clevandall  what  ?        ' 

Clev.  No,  sir  ;  not  ClevancJall  wot/    Mistah  Clevandall,  sah. 

Dea.  What's  your  first  name? 

Clev.  Does — does  yo'  wantde  hull  ob  it? 

Dea.  Of  course. 

Clev.  Whew  !  Whew  !  \Virc\\  ! 

Dea.  What's  the  matter? 

Clev.  Well,  yo'  see,  boss,  when  I  wus  young  I  wussech  "^beauti- 
/^^/babby  dat  all  my  folkses  an'  relationses  wanted  me  named 
arter  'em.  An'  so  de  ole  man  sorter  compermised  by  namin'  me 
arter  de  hull  ob  'em.  An'  dat's  why  my  name  am  [rapidly) 
Jehonas,  Hubbard,  Lubbarc,  Lambert,  Lunk,  Van  Dunk,  Peter, 
Jacobus,  Lockamore  Clevandall ! 

Dea.  That's  quite  a  name. 

Clev.  Yesser.     Does  yo'  wanter  buy  any 

Dea.  Now  spell  it. 

Clev.  Spell  it? 

Dea.  Yes. 

Clev.  [carelessly)  Oh,  I  hasn't  got  time. 
.   Dea.  [lashes  him)  Spell — your — name  ! 

Cley.  [quickly)  J-e  Je,  h-c^-o,  Jeho,  n-a-s  nas  Jehonas — H-u-b 
Hub,  b-a-r-d  bard  Jehonas,  Hubbard,  L-u-b  Lub,  Jehonas,  Hub* 


THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER.  9 

bard,  Lub,  b-a-r-d  bard,  Jehonas,  Hubbard,  Lubbard,  L-a-m  Lam, 
Jehonas,  Hubbard,  Lubbard,  Lam,  b-e-r-t  bert,  Jehonas,  Hubbard, 
Lubbard,  Lambert,  {continue  spelling  and  repeating  from  beginning 
to  end  of  name)  Dat's  all ! 

Dea.  Very  well.     Now  sing. 

Clev.  Boss,  say  boss,  I  can't  sing.  I'se  gotter  cold  {sneezes) 
A'choo! 

Dea.  Sing  !  {cracks  whip) 

Clev.  All  right,  boss,  {sings  negro  song) 

Dea.  Now  sir,  dance. 

Clev.  W-w-what  1 

Dea.   Dance  ! 

Clev.  N-n-n-now  see  har,  boss,  I  b'longs  to  de  Mefdis  chu'ch,  I 
does,  an' — an'  dey  don't  'low  dancia!. 

Dea.  {lashes  him)  Dance  !  ^Clev.  dances)  Crow  !  (Clev.  crows') 
Bark !  (Clev.  barks)  Now  sir,  did  you  ever  go  to  a  circus  ? 

Clev.  Well — yesser,  when  I  was  young  an'  frisky  1  uster  circus 
it  a  little. 

Dea.  Very  well ;  you  know  what  fhey  do  in  circuses  ? 

Clev.  V^hat's  dat? 

Dea.  Stand  on  their  heads.     Let's  see  you  do  it. 

Clev.  Say  boss,  I  can't  do  dat  nohow.  I'se  got  de  room-attics, 
an'  de  spring  halt,  an'  de  pluribus  unicorn,  an' 

Dea.  [lashes  him)  Stand  on  your  head !  (Clev.  tries  to  and 
twnbles  over)  There  sir.  {throws  him  whip)  I  think  I  have  taught 
you  a  lesson.     Next  time  you  will  know  that  no  means  no. 

Clev.  {at  door,  c.)  Yesser.  Wanter  buy  any  wood  ter  day, 
boss? 

Dea.  You  infernal 

Clev.  Yesser.     G' day,  boss!  "Evix,  quickly,  CH. 

Dea.  That's  absolutely  the  stupidest  nigger  I  ever  saw. 

Mrs.  D,  Well,  he  won't  come  back  again,  after  the  lesson  we 
taught  him. 

Dea.  We!   We/ 

Mrs.  D.  Yes,  we!  You  wouldn't  have  dared  open  your 
cowardly  mouth  if  /  hadn't  been  here. 

Dea.  Madam  !  I  made  that  nigger  stand  around,  madam,  and  I 
want  you  to  understand,  madam,  that  my  Ebeneezer  is  aroused, 
madam,  and  I 

Mrs.  D.  (c.)  Hold  your  tongue,  sir! 

Dea.  (c.)  Bur-r-r-r!     Hold  j<7«r  tongue,  madam  ! 

Mrs.  D.  What!  {shaking,  and  pushing  him,  R.)  What!  Hold 
wy  tongue,  eh!  {shaking  him)  Eh!  Hold  my  tongue ?  {shaking 
him) 

Clev.  (outside)  Whoa,  haw  gee,- back !  Come  aroun'  darJ 
Whupi 


lO  THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER. 

Enter,  Clevandall,  quickly  c.  D. 

Clev.  G'mawnin',  boss.  G'mawnin',  Miss.  Wanter  buy  any 
wood  ter  day,  boss?  {they  both  rush  at  him)  Hole  on  dar  !  {draws 
large  revolver)  Hole  on!  {they  retreat,  v..)  I  sorter  reckoned  you'd 
hole  on. 

SiJ*  D  |(R-A''«')  Fire!  Police!  Murder! 

Clev.  {coolly)  Dar's  jes  no  sorter  use  fur  yo'  ter  hooUer 
•'perlice,"  kase  dar  ain't  none  aroun'  heah. 

Dea.  (getting  behind  Mrs.  D.)  D-d-d-d-don't  be  afraid,  my 
love — I '11  protect  you  ! 

Mrs.  D.  Ooch  !     Ouch  !     Point  that  thing  the  other  way  ! 

Dea.  T-t-t-take  it  cool — mv love.     I'll  protect  you  ! 

Clev.  {aside)  Golly  !  Reckon  I'll  hab  some  fun  wiv  dese  yar 
folkses.  {aims  pistol)  Fi-z-z-z! 

Dea.  D-d-d  don't ! 

Clev.  {aims pistol)  Siz-z-z-z! 

Mrs.  D.  Wouch  !     Wooch  !.    Murder ! 

Dea.  Don't  holler — my  love.     I'll  protect  you! 

Clev.  Now  look  yeah  !  Yo'  ole  he-rooster  stay  whar  yo'  is,  an' 
yo'  ole  she-rooster  go  ober  dar.  {points  L.) 

Mrs.  D.  I  shan't  stir  a  step  !     So  there  ! 

Clev.  {aims pistol)  Go — ober — dar. 

Mrs.  D.  0-o-o-h!   {runs  L.) 

Dea.  (r.)  D-d-d-don't  be  scared — my  love.     I'll  protect  you ! 

Clev.  Whut's  yo'  name? 

Dea.  None  of  your  business! 

Clev.  {aitns pistol)  Whut's — yo' — name? 

Dea.  Deacon  Darby  Decker. 

Clev.  Spell  it. 

Mrs.  D.  Don't  you  do  it. 

Clev.  Eh?  {aims  at  her) 

Mrs.  D.  Wah !     Aim  the  other  way ! 

Clev.  Yes,  mum.  Now  den ;  spell — yo' — name.  (Deacon  spelh 
it)  Dat's  all  right.     Now  sing. 

Dea.  {aside)  Bur-r-r !     Oh,  iet  me  get  hold  of  him  once  ! 

Clev.  Din  yo'  har  me  spoke  ? 

Mrs.  D.  Don't  you  mind  that  nigger. 

Clev.  Eh  !     {aims pistol) 

Mrs.  D.  Oh,  yes,  yes!     Z><?sing! 

Dea.  I  won't ! 

Clev.  Sing  "  Shoo  Fly."  {aims pistol) 

Dea.  Oh,  dear!  {sings,  all  out  of  time  and  tune) 

Clev.  Well!  Dat's  pow'ful^weak  singin'.  I  cud  do  bettern  dat, 
an'  not  open  my  mouf!  Now  le's  see — oh- yes!  Le's  see  yo' 
dance  ! 


THE  DARKEY  WOOD  DEALER.  \\ 

Dea.  {^^/^)  Sir!  I — I— bur-r-r-r!  Look  here,  sir,  I— I — I'm  a 
deacon  in  the  church,  sir !  A  deacon,  sir,  and  damn  it,  sir,  I 
never  dance ! 

Clev.  Yo's  a  nice  deacon,  yo*  is,  swarin'  away  hke  ole  Belze- 
bub  !  Dance,  I  say  !  [aims pistol;  Deacon  dances,  clumsily)  Now 
crow!  [he  crows)  Bark!  [he  barks)  Dat's  a  reg'lar  bob-tailed 
yalier  dog  bark.  Now  say,  boss,  did  yo'  ebber  go  to  de  circus? 
Co'se  yo'  did — deaconses  allers  go.     Now  den,  stan'  on  yo'  head  ! 

Dea.  Look  here  sir • 

Clev.  [aims  pistol)    Stan' — on — yo' — head!     (Deacon  tries  to, 
and  falls  over)  Dat'U  do.     Git  up.     Sot  down.     Miss,  whut's^yt?' 
name  ? 
Mrs.  D.  Deacon,  will  you  see  me  insulted  ? 
Clev.  [aims  pistol)   Whufs — yo' — name  ? 
Mrs.  D.  Mehitable  Ann  Decker. 
Clev.  Dat's  a  reg'lar  stem-winder,  dat  is  !     Spell  it. 

Mrs.  D.  I  won't.     Deacon,  will  you 

Clev.  [aitns  pistol)  Spell — yo' — name,  [she  spells  it)  Kerect 
Now  sing. 

Mrs.  D.    What/ 

Clev.  Open  yo'  mouf  an'  wa'ble. 
Dea.  Y-y-yes,  my  love,  you'd  better  sing. 
Mrs.  D.  You  old  fool ! 

Clev.  Co'se  he  is,  but  nebber  mind  dat.  Yo'  jes  wa'ble.  Sing, 
"I'se  called  Little  Buttercup."  [she  sings,  out  of  tune)  Hole  on, 
hole  on  !     Dat's  ernuff ! 

Mrs.  D.  Look  here,  we'll  buy  your  wood  if  you'll  leave. 
Clev.  Ain't  got  no  time  fo'  any  commershul  distractions  jes  now. 
Miss,  we'd  like  ter  heah  yo'  crow!     Crow   now,  crow  like  er 
rooster. 

Mrs.  D.  I  can't. 

Clev.     Crow  like  a  hen.  [she  crows)  Dat's  a  sorter  spring  chickun 
crow.     Bark  !  [she  barks)  Worser  an'  worsen     Dance  ! 
Mrs.  D.  I  can't  dance.     I  won't  dance! 

Clev.  [aims  pistol)  Dance!  [she  dances)  Dat's  it!  Dat's  it! 
Cut  er  down  !  [she  goes  L.  Clevandall  comes  down  C,  and  begins 
to  laugh)  Now,  miss,  he,  he,  he  !  [slaps  his  leg)  Miss — yah,  yah, 
yah!  Miss,  wus  yo' — te  he,  he!  Wus  yo'  ebber — yah,  yah, 
yah-h-hl  Miss,  wus  yo'  ebber  to  a — he,  he — to  a  circus?  Co'se 
yo'  wus.  Den  I  wants  ter  see  yo' — ha,  ha,  ha!  Wants  ter  see 
yo'  Stan' — ha,  ha,  ha-h  [bends  over  laughing ;  Deacon  slips 
behind  him  and  grabs  pistol) 

Deacon,  (c.)  Now,  you  blasted  nigger,  it's  my  turn. 
Clev.  (r.)  Huh  !     Dat  ar'  ole  pistile  ain't  loaded! 
Dea.  Ah  !  [throws  it  down)  ~ 

Clev.  [picks  up  pistol)  Yes  it  am!  Yes  it  am!  Yes  it  am  1 
{chases  them  offc.  and  l.) 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


Black  Face  Sketches 

PICKLES  AND  TIOCLES.  is  cents,  a  negro  farce  !n  f  act,  hf 
Thomas  Barnes.  6  male  characters.  No  scenery  required.  Runs  20  minutes  unleM 
fpecialties  are  introduced — by  means  of  which  the  piece  can  be  lengthened  to  suit. 
Pickltt  and  Tickles  are  rival  dealers  in  second-hand  clothes.  Their  quarrels,  the 
pranks  played  by  two  live  dummies  and  the  comicalities  of  Overanxious  and  Tht 
Pars4m's  ghost  afford  ample  opportunity  to  keep  the  audience  in  a  whirlwind  of  mirth. 

DOCTOR  SNOWBALL.  15  cents,  a  negro  farce  in  one  act,  by 
Jamhs  Barnes.  3  male  characters.  Scene,  a  plain  room  with  a  table  and  twochairs. 
Crisp  arid  snappy  and  admits  of  specialties.  The  Doctor  has  a  great  head, for  hum- 
bue,  Zeke  a  great  head  for  gymnastics,  and  Pompey  a  great  heacT  for  business.  Will 
malce  the  audience  laugh  themselves  sore.  Runs  ao  minutes,  if  played  straight,  with- 
out specialties. 

DARKEY  BREACH  OF  PROMISE  CASE.    15  cents.    Nigger 

mock  trial  in  i  act  and  i  scene,  by  J.  Barnes.  21  male  and  i  female  character. 
Scene,  a  court-room.  Time,  about  35  minutes.  An  intensely  funny  travesty  of  a 
"  Breach  of  Promise  "  trial  in  nigger  dialect,  full  of  wit  and  drollery,  and  ending  in  an 
elopement  and  a  row. 

DARKEY  PHRENOLOGIST,  The.  15  cents,  a  nigger  absurdity 
In  1  act,  for  2  male  and  i  female  (played  by  male)  characters,  _  By  J.  Barnes.  Time, 
about  50  minutes.  Hew  a  bogus  phrenologist  endeavors  to  illustrate  the  wonders  of 
hypnotism,  the  pranks  of  his  assistant,  and  a  final  catastrophe. 

DARKEY  WOOD-DEALER,  The.    15  cents,   a  farce  in  i  act,  b, 

Chas.  Townsend.  2  males,  i  femalu.  Time,  20  minutes.  Each  character  is  first- 
class.  The  Wood-Dectler  is  one  of  the  best  negro  characters  on  the  stage.  Tht 
Deacon  is  a  highly  amusing  old  man,  and  Mrs.  Deacon  (this  part  may  be  played  by 
a  young  man)  a  tremendous  hit  as  a  "  strong  minded  "  female.  This  farce  is  certaim 
to  keep  the  audience  in  a  roar  from  first  to  last. 

SLIM  JIM  AND  THE  HOODOO,  is  cents,  a  negro  farce  in  i 
act,  by  Thos.  Barnes.  5  male  characters.  The  scene  is  laid  in  a  grocery-store. 
Full  of  jokes,  and  abounding  in  comic  "  business."  The  grocer,  a  tough  customer,  a 
deacon  with  a  weakness  for  "  craps,"  a  crank  with  patents  on  the  brain,  and  a  fat 
policeman  keep  up  a  succession  of  laughs  that  end  in  an  explosion  which  will  make 
the  audience  ache.  Specialties  can  be  introduced.  The  piece  will  run  30  minutes  if 
played  "  straight." 

NIGGER  BOARDING  HOUSE,  The.  is  cents.  Screaming  farce 
In  I  act,  by  Oliver  Wenlandt.  5  male,  i  female  (played  by  male),  all  burnt-cork 
characters.  Scene,  a  commonly  furnished  apartment.  Time,  about  45  minutes.  The 
terrible  trials  and  perplexities  of  a  boarding-house  mistress,  introducing  a  howling 
dude,  a  mischievous  servant,  etc.  The  farce  deals  with  the  lodgers'  tribulations  ajid 
has  an  extremely  original  funny  ending. 

NIGGER  NIGHT  SCHOOL,  The.  is  cents,  a  farce  in  i  act, by 
Thos.  Barnes.  6  male  characters.  No  scenery  required,  a  desk  for  the  Professor 
and  a  bench  for  the  scholars  being  the  only  essentials.  A  funny  skit  full  of  comic 
business  and  darkey  jokes  that  will  fetch  shouts  of  laughter  from  the  front.  Admits 
of  specialties  and  runs  30  minutes. 

DE  TROUBLE  BEGINS  AT  NINE,  is  cents,  a  negro  farce  in 
1  act,  by  Chas.  White.  2  male  comedians.  Funny  all  through,  and  admits  of  the 
introduction  of  various  specialties.  There  is  a  comical  music-lesson  incident  which  will 
make  the  audience  fairly  scream.     No  scenery  required.     Plays  about  20  minutes. 

POISONED  DARKEYS,  The.  15  cents.  An  amusing  interlude  in 
T  act,  for  3  male  characters,  by  H.  Elliott  McBride.  Time,  about  15  minutes. 
Two  darkeys  manage  to  steal  some  rum,  and  are  made  to  believe  it  was  pobon.  Their 
terror  is  very  comical. 

THREE  BLACK  *' SMITHS,''  The.    is  cents.    An  Ethiopian 

farce  in  one  scene,  for  3  darkey  comedians.  No  scenery  required.  Plays  about  half  an 
hour.  John  Smith,  Joe  Stnith  and  Jonah  S»tiih  get  into  a  laughable  mix  from 
sameness  of  name.  Anybody  who  wants  his  wrinkles  hammered  smooth  and  the.iroa 
taken  out  of  his  sotil,  needs  only  to  see  the  adventures  of  the  Three  Black  Smiths' 


iSSS^SSSSSSJiS^SSSSSSSSS 


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